Damsel

Here's to 2012

2011-12-31T21:08:00.004+08:00

Photo from Deviant Art

May dreams take flight. May you find what you love doing.

May love be all around.

Happy 2012 :)

My Poppa

2011-10-22T23:35:00.002+08:00

I heard my dad sing tonight.

Leader of the Band, the song he sang.

Sure I've heard of his past feats: Winning my mom's heart with his guitar, clinching top spots at Talent Time shows...
I've never doubted for a second that my daddykins was one talented cookie, and a charmer at that.

But all these didn't stop my jaw from dropping when he sang tonight... for the first time in many years.

All I could think of was... I didn't know he could sing THAT well.

Such a soulful voice.

You could tell, someone who could sing this well, would've had dreams and hopes of being somebody.

And for years, I thought I was the one in the family who could sing.

My brother eyed the karaoke machine in disbelief when he walked into the room and heard my dad's voice.
"You mean there's no accompanying audio?" He looked me in the eye, half grinning.

Before my parents turned in for the night, my mom nudged me again playfully.
"So girl, that was the first time you heard Daddy sing?"
"So how? What do you think?" My dad probed, lying on his bed, drowsy from all the beer he had from the dinner.

"Very good ar... Daddy has a very rugged voice... Like those you'd hear from Hotel California." I managed, in a calm tone, wondering why I found it so hard to express my admiration for my father.

"Jodi you forgot last time when you were little, Daddy used to play guitar for you... then you'd come and mess up all my strings..." He faded off into laughter, looking at my Mom reminiscing the good old days.

He smiled. They both laughed.

Daddy, I'm so proud to be your daughter :)

Leader of the band

An only child alone and wild
A cabinet maker's son
His hands were meant for different work
And his heart was known to none
He left his home and went his lone
And solitary way
And he gave to me
A gift I know I never can repay

A quiet man of music
Denied a simpler fate
He tried to be a soldier once
But his music wouldn't wait
He earned his love through discipline
A thundering, velvet hand
His gentle means of sculpting souls
Took me years to understand

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument
And his song is in my soul
My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I'm just a living legacy
To the leader of the band

My brothers' lives were different
For they heard another call
One went to Chicago
And the other to St. Paul
And I'm in Colorado
When I'm not in some hotel
Living out this life I've chose
And come to know so well

I thank you for the music
And your stories of the road
I thank you for the freedom
When it came my time to go
I thank you for the kindness
And the times when you got tough
And, papa, I don't think
I said, "I love you" near enough

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument
And his song is in my soul
My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I'm just a living legacy
To the leader of the band
I am the living legacy
To the leader of the band

Picking up a script today

2011-09-24T19:47:00.000+08:00

Feels pretty damn good.

Let's drop the pretense

2011-09-14T22:44:00.002+08:00

Cause there simply ain't no other reason to act like I care.

Please pardon me. I'm no mean person, I'm just tired. I've just become more of a loner.

Please try to understand. I'm doing my best. If you can't, then I'm sorry you and I aren't on the same page.

It's a pity. But I'm gonna move on.

让我们呐喊吧

2011-08-29T20:18:00.002+08:00

让我们呐喊吧
因为今天老娘喜欢，老娘爱，老娘要
不要再多说话，我已经收拾好行囊

让我们呐喊吧
有谁也想加入，我给你5秒钟决定
不能再等，现在就得启程

让我们呐喊吧
故事会从发出的第一声开始
他们说的有多美，你看到的一定更美

让我们呐喊吧
最真诚的嘶吼，你才算真正的活过
我不保证，有谁能保证

前面的路给我弄得越模糊越好

老娘就是喜欢

What keeps your heart thumping

2011-08-29T19:51:00.002+08:00

It's been more than a year since graduation, and I'd like to slow down my paces a little.

Even though I've known for the longest time that life isn't perfect, I guess working life makes that even more apparent, more in-your-face.

It's been a smooth ride so far, what have I got to complain when I'm working in a place of choice, somwhere that I can expose myself to an art I've been dedicated to for most of my life; I've got family members who promise to love me even though they don't agree with my choices in life a hundred percent; friends who never fail to get your back when you're down (not to mention, help bitch about those who've misunderstood you); funny co-workers who are also comrades in action as we go about working towards a common goal; a forgiving boss who has been more than understanding when it comes to my mistakes and blunders at work.

But sometimes, I desire for more, something that will pump that heart even more, so much so that it makes it hard to breathe. Something that makes me feel alive.

I remember that feeling. And I swear I've almost forgotten about it, until a few months back. What sounded like an awkward and innocent-looking meeting, churned those short yet unforgettable heart-thumping moments.

I guess there're a thousand reasons to say no, but it takes only one good reason for you to go for it, that heart thumping reason.

And perhaps, should I haven made a different choice, this blog post would probably shame me of it, and show me how many of those heart thumping moments I'd missed out on.

Realisations

2011-02-14T22:05:00.003+08:00

Friends come and friends go - there's no need to get too upset, no need to get too melodramatic.

Melodramatic is not good. You "think too much".

If it gets too tiring trying to explain yourself, it's ok. Just stop talking, breathe, and move on.

Sleep and water are important. Love yourself.

When it gets to a point where working hard is silly, don't stay silly, stop working.

Family, is the the most important of all.

With the coming of age, giving up or letting go, becomes so much easier.

But perhaps some things, can never be forsaken. And no one, not anyone in this world, can rob you of that persistence.

The Soulmate

2010-12-07T23:20:00.005+08:00

I've never really entertained the thought of finding a soulmate in life. Simply put, I don't believe that there is a perfect one for each of us out here. I believe that you have to work at a relationship, put in effort, nurture it before it blooms.

But recent events have got me thinking how wonderful it would be if there really is a perfect soulmate out there for each and every one of us.

Someone who understands, even before you get to explain.

I guess everyone hopes for a little fairytale in life, even the most stubborn realist.

The thought

2010-12-06T22:05:00.000+08:00

On this path, I've never felt lonelier.

I guess this is a one-man battle.

It's a rough night

2010-11-25T23:30:00.004+08:00

I guess I never really had it in me. I guess I'm just too concerned of what people think. I guess I'm turning into a boring person. I guess I've lost the ability to talk to people. I think I've lost my warmth. I think I'm afraid of standing in front of a crowd. I think I just miss the old days too much I tend to live in them. I think I judge people too quickly. I think I can never be able to regain that confidence again. I wonder if it's possible to start afresh. I wonder if I can finally walk on the streets of London and breathe out gasps of cold air. I wonder if I'm really able to set my mind down to doing it. I wonder if I'm letting people down. I wonder if there's anyone rooting for me in the first place. I question myself when I face setbacks. I question myself when the taxi driver probes into my life and rants out some big daoli in life. I question myself at the slightest inauspicious sign.

Too much thinking. Too little faith.

Too much talking. Too little actions.

Come on. Just this once. Let things feel right.

那是一晚冬夜

2010-09-30T22:14:00.005+08:00

“你有没有想过，what's stopping us？”

“Hanor 陈珮文，what's stopping you？”

“为什么会那么难。。。那么难。。。”

灯暗。音乐上。爸爸，姐姐，弟弟 move to 台位。

Spotlight on 弟弟。Spotlight on 姐姐。Spotlight on 爸爸。

“我有一个很好笑的东西要跟你讲!...其实他们也不怎么样！“
”哈哈哈哈“

”我很怕我们会变成那样。“

”安慰自己，很阿Q精神。”

“最重要是，you find your calling.”

”你踏在上面就好像蜻蜓一样，蜻蜓点水！“

29岁的约定

2010-05-30T23:04:00.002+08:00

一场促膝谈心的晚餐。

我要记住这种亢奋。

深怕在生活和岁月的蹉跎影响下，忘了自己曾这么激动过。

一切，更加清楚了。

很确定，就是这里，只能在这里，只想在这里，发光发热。直到甘愿为止，才不妄此生。

要遇到一个真正了解的人，不容易。或许就只有拥有这种激动的人，才明白。这是志同，道合。

献给23岁的辜小姐。让光芒重现。

路

2010-05-25T21:08:00.003+08:00

这种迷茫，是我意想不到的。好像有点线索，但我不确定。好像看见路，但我有些犹豫。

隐隐约约，所以在原地打转。

讨厌面对自己懦弱的一面，故意塑造傲人闲得自乐的假象来迷惘大家。

或许唯一的路，只差自己那一步。毕竟，路是人走出来的。

鲁莽地往前冲。

笑就要大声开怀地笑，笑出泪的。哭就要嚎啕大哭，哽咽的。

就这样走着。

The Silent Scream

2010-04-18T14:29:00.005+08:00

And then a part of me just falters.

那天晚上

2009-11-08T16:20:00.003+08:00

是谁，在看似平静的夜里，唤起了我的灵魂。

偶然的相遇，老朋友的熟悉脸孔，让人卸下了防卫，尽情享受。深夜的24小时咖啡店，难喝的啤酒和廉价经济粥／米粉，就是能让人更加豪迈。

聊。将昔日的自己，对比现在的大家。

笑。开怀的。不见眼的。

演。试图将当下的情景，写成剧本台词，动作，tech ques。

“哇，这条路是我们的！“ 我说。

马路上一辆车都没有。

未来的我们的。

德士来了。

醉精作怪，有些high。

闹哄哄的车里，无理头的笑话，刹那间，我们回到了当年。

大家一个一个下车。

到家了。

暖

2009-11-04T20:56:00.001+08:00

传说中的 “雪中送炭”， “患难见真情” 就是这个意思。

谢谢你们。:)

Cliché

2009-10-12T00:17:00.001+08:00

She's always a tad slower at moving on. It's not her thing. She indulges in the past. Until faced with the harshness of the present. She doesn't back down. Holds on. A tad too persistent. Up to the moment when she realises.

People change. Life changes.

Pack it up babe.

Let's move on.

MRT口的旋律

2009-09-18T21:22:00.001+08:00

最近，常在回家的路上，碰上知音／心人。

在四美地铁站出口，大概傍晚六点多的时候，常出现许多音乐人。

握着自己准备的麦克风，自己的小喇叭，跟着CD播放似卡啦OK的minus one，有时还加上自己的乐器。

就这样，唱着。试图感染着，分享着。

我放慢脚步。我暂时停止思考恼人的事情。静静地，听他／她演唱。

很简单，就是一个人唱着歌，给另外一些人听，不复杂。很真。

很微妙的感觉。歌声中，自己仿佛缩小了。瞬间的感觉。

随着他／她的声音，心胸放大了，烦恼，变小了。一切，好像变得不是很重要，只在乎现在，这一刻，听着知音人的歌声，心情，是满足的。

在繁忙的人群中，这样的安慰，让我由衷感激。

Come on, Move on

2009-09-07T11:42:00.001+08:00

Enough of this unsettling mess already.

爱

2009-08-23T00:34:00.006+08:00

一杯cocktail，两出戏，三个小时后，一切变得清楚了。

兜了一圈，回到了起点，拥抱着当时未形成的梦，试着圆梦。

原来我那么爱。

戏剧人

2009-01-17T19:49:00.002+08:00

昨天下班搭mrt回家的时候，在tanah merah站看到一位穿着黑色tshirt，白色长裤的一位小男生走入车厢。

是那黑白搭配吸引了我。很好奇地，我伸长脖子，想看清tshirt上写些什么。

‘戏剧人’。

我就知道。

我赶紧回头望着窗外远方的学校，在mrt的不断前进中慢慢消失。

傍晚7点多，天空的颜色很舒服。

我再望望那小男生，疲惫地坐了下来。

是不是刚刚有连排？

突然间发现自己很羡慕他眼神中的倦意。那不是我工作中所感受到的疲惫。不一样。

曾几何时，有位戴着眼镜的小女生也穿过类似黑色的tshirt，白色的校裙。

曾几何时，为了做道具，布景，搞得那白色的裙全染了颜色。

曾几何时，因为老师的一句话，她感到骄傲。

曾几何时，她也感受过那种疲惫。

诗韵email来问要不要买票的时候，突然间有些措手不及。因为从来没有面对过这样的问题。一向来，都是自己向别人推票。

这次，换我坐在观众席。

那天和柔玮吃饭时提起，她笑着说，“就知道你会这样想。”

最后的翔鹰，飞吧。

轰轰烈烈地在天空翱翔。

我知道，我不会失望。

Keep it simple

2008-12-21T13:44:00.002+08:00

My friends have always complained of how I read too much into things, how I tend to ponder over issues, how I've sometimes blocked myself out from having fun.

And I'm starting to suffer the consequences of being complicated. So maybe I should start trying to see things in a different light.

It's much easier, they say. And happier, perhaps.

Stop thinking and start living. Yeah.

With 2008 nearing its end, this could be my new year resolution.

乱写

2008-09-16T18:17:00.003+08:00

物是人非。

原来他怀念的，死守着的，想念的，已经不见了。

手里紧紧抓住的，他在艰难的时候，握着不放。到了这个时候，才发现，手里的，没有了。

弄丢了。

弄丢的，又岂止这个。

你别哭，无须挽留。

梦与现实交叉的地方，是什么颜色的？

他问。

青色的。

那里的颜色，又岂止这个。

抬头望。

不够，他不够颜色形容。就连彩虹，也显得逊色。

还有很多，他不知道的东西。

他笑了。

Try to remember the kind of September

2008-09-05T22:28:00.007+08:00

Tom Jones - Try to Remember

Try to remember the kind of September
when life was slow and oh, so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
when grass was green and grain was yellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
when you were a tender and callow fellow,
Try to remember and if you remember the follow.

Try to remember when life was so tender
that no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender that
dreams were kept beside your pillow.
Try to remember when life was so tender that
love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember and if you remember then follow.

Deep in December it's nice to remember
altho you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December it's nice to remember
without the hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December it's nice to remember
the fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December our hearts should remember and follow.

Where the alcohol sent redness to our cheeks
Where we wrote silliness on pavilion pillars
And breathed cold gasps of air
Where everything felt like a blurriness of happiness.

To my 3 other escapists - Cheers.

Met up with my best friend today and realised how long I've not seen this girl, and how long her fringe has grown.

And while our lunch-dinner didnt last long, I was happy enough enjoying soup with her, listening to her stories, and updating her with my oh-so-boring life.

I remember attending her birthday parties since young. I can still remember how her old house looked like, and how we and several other girl friends would play in her room doing role playing before we stepped outside for the cake cutting session.

And this sunday, I'll be attending her birthday party again. Probably one of her most important birthdays.

The girl who never fails to calm me down whenever she receives a hysterical phonecall from me.
The girl whom I always call when my tears roll down uncontrollably.
The girl who stuck with me for 12 years, always sharing my joy and sadness.

The girl who has always been there for me, this Sunday, I'll be there for her, together with so many of her loved ones, to wish her happy birthday.

Here's to ya - happy birthday in advance. :)

留恋

2008-08-08T23:02:00.002+08:00

深信，人生它是一种过程，分很多很多阶段。

每一个阶段的结束，每一个阶段的开始，构成许许多多难忘的人生。

痛恨，结束与开始的时分。

让人不舍，让人不安。改变可以很可怕，适应可以很艰难。

矛盾，没有结束，就不会珍惜阶段的过程，而没有开始，或许，人生也没有什么意思。

因为大家的步伐不会为谁停止，因为美丽的梦总在自己看不到的地方，因为，明天的太阳依然升起。

所以往往只能回头看，欣赏，之后，把它们收在身体的某一个部位，希望能给予力量，大步大步地往前走。

人类大概是很聪明的吧，这种复杂的感情，早已想好了名称，以便后人使用- 留恋。

又或许，“往事只能回味” 这老歌的歌词，更为贴切。

Life as it is

2008-08-04T17:30:00.002+08:00

School reopening obviously proved to be a little too overwhelming for me. Thanks to a few friends and a little ranting, I've managed to feel much better, and at ease.

I remember how I first walked into CS on the first day of school. Fortunately for me, I had my OG mates to count on for chopping a seat in the LT, having somewhere to go for OG lunch and wandering around in huge stubborn groups which refused to break down into smaller cliques.

After the orientation fever died away, I had the best uni friends in school. Those who bought lunch for you, those who knew you want Chicken Cutlet and not Chicken Chop, those who you will always tease at for strictly eating non-mammals, those who remember your birthdays and buy Havaianas for you.

And then when everyone started going separate ways, pursuing different dreams in different fields, there's this group of people who will always make you laugh. Those you spend the nights toiling away in editing rooms, those you laze around at the benches waiting for lessons to start, those who share your troubles and pat you on the back.

So today when I was bringing Maoxian to school, images of CS flashed through quickly, and I realised how long I've been away and how much I've missed this school.

And when this sense of uncertainty overcomes me, I'm grateful for the few who would listen to me ramble on and on like a kid when they know I'm seriously just childish and probably unprepared. Yet they still smile and tell me everything's gonna be fine.

And I believe them.

Seng Kar Po

2008-05-27T01:37:00.002+08:00

Was walking past the primary school next to my house when the security guard whom I always greet saw me.

SecurityGuard: (excitedly) "eh! 你回来啦？! Michelle 跟我讲你去香港 leh！" (trying to multitask by talking to me and directing a car in at the same time)

Me: "哈哈，对对，回来了。我去香港读半年书！“ (makes way for car)

SecurityGuard: (wide grin) "哈哈哈，okay okay! 再跟你讲！" (returns to guiding car in)

Warm welcome.

Niceeeee to be homeee...

You've got mail

2008-04-19T19:41:00.004+08:00

:)

Dor Zeh Sai.

Nearing the end

2008-04-13T21:34:00.005+08:00

I've been deliberately making myself busy, in an attempt to put off writing in my blog.

Somehow, certain things in life leave me speechless. The feelings that I so strongly hold when things happen vanish almost as instantaneously as their emergence. And by the time I get back to my room and settle myself in front of the computer, I find myself struggling with the right words to enter into my post.

Maybe I've seen through them all. That at the end of the day, perhaps nothing's more valuable than a smile, a nod, and a willingness to move on.

With time ticking off the clock, we've all been hit by the realisation that time's running out. The day which we've always talked about in future tense is silently creeping into the present.

I've always been slower at getting things right. . And even slower at moving on to new phases of life.

Going back to Singapore means fitting myself back into the life I've left for half a year and grasping new changes that come along the way.

But I guess I'll be ready.

With a packed luggage of happy memories.

Because it's spring

2008-03-19T00:30:00.007+08:00

Of floral patterns and suns and green.

Of dandelions and theme parks.

Of Moms.

Of all happy things that come along with spring.

Come away with me

2008-03-05T20:16:00.006+08:00

I'm in love with walking around aimlessly. In comfortable shoes that is.

Had one of those delightful surprises when I discovered new routes, saw new things and ate new stuff.

The weather was splendid. After weeks of big typhoon-ish winds and sunless afternoons, the warm rays caressed my cheeks as I strolled down Victoria Harbour. The waters were as beautiful as ever and people were sitting at the edges trying to fish (I have no idea whether or not that was allowed). There were fellow tourists like myself snapping away pictures of the landscape across the harbour.

Enjoying my solitude but secretly thinking I might meet some drop-dead gorgeous hunk on the way, I kept on walking until I saw the Starbucks which wasn't open the last time we visited the place on Valentine's day. Grateful for that, I ordered a latte and a slice of chocolate cake and took a seat outside, the nearest row to the harbour.

Been a long time since I sat down and enjoyed a piece of cake. Salivating every mouthful of cake and coffee, I took out my storybook and started reading, occasionally looking up to people-watch.

Time seemed to pass by without me knowing and when I finally checked the time, two hours have gone by.

I decided to find the handprints of Tony Leung at the avenue of stars.

And I actually tried to capture my shadow together with his handprints but failed. The fantasies of a star-struck little girl.

And then I ended the day venturing back into high-rised urbanisation and back to the subway.

But it was a fulfilling day.

More. I want more.

The apathetic Chinese bimbo

2008-03-04T20:06:00.002+08:00

Journalism class here is driving me nuts.

Having to go through that 3-hour class every week is painful. And I never fail to conclude after every lesson that journ and I are not friends.

And don’t get me started on that news quiz every week. I try to read news whenever I can. I really try. But that doesn’t save me from being dumbfounded by questions like “Name the local talk show host that held a press conference and wants to become the next RTHK director.”

Cannot take it man.

Ask me about the local Budget speech somemore.

Someone book me on the next flight back to Singapore.

And the fact that I’m failing my news quizzes doesn’t make my day. Although all the classes I take here are on a pass/fail basis, it just doesn’t feel good to do badly or adopt a heck-care attitude. It’s a Singaporean thing I guess.

The main thing that’s putting me off on this exchange is not finding value in the communication modules I take here. I was forced to take modules that I don’t like because the bulk of those interesting modules were not available for foreign students. I get envious whenever I speak to friends doing their exchange elsewhere talking about their super fun and enriching classes.

I’m actually starting to enjoy my Chemistry classes the best.

And I saw Peter Chan in person that day. Attended his talk about his latest film "Warlords". Lotsa insight about the current movie industry. Felt surreal when we took a photo with him. The director of "Warlords", the guy who worked with Andy Lau, Maggie Cheung and Takeshi Kaneshiro. Wow.

Well I guess you’ve got to give and take.

3 midterms down and many more journ assignments and news quizzes to go.

我也是诗人

2008-02-06T02:12:00.000+08:00

我养成了抬头看月亮的习惯。

欣赏它的阴晴圆缺。

我开始注意身边万物。

欣赏它们拥有传情的能力。

我爱一个人在茫茫人群中沉思。

欣赏路人不了我心思的感觉。

不知道从几时开始，我觉得自己越来越像个诗人。

寒冷的街道上，严重的思乡思国情绪中，我变成了辛弃疾。

忙碌的地铁站内，在新春歌曲的重复播放中，我变成了王维。

深夜里，明月伴随的夜晚，我变成了李白。

那天，面对不知所措的自己，自己也吓了一跳。

经一事，长一智。

On my own, in an Internet cafe, at Tsim Sha Tsui

2008-01-23T15:46:00.000+08:00

今天决定一个人出去逛逛，闯闯。

下课后，到了九龙塘的地铁站。在MTR地图前面站了很久，不知道应该去哪里。最后觉得自己来到了香港却未曾到中环去，似乎有些说不过去。所以，决定前往中环。

一个人走进了地铁车厢，找了个位子坐。

有些兴奋。有些小紧张。有些不知所措。

不过，这种复杂的感觉，我反而，很喜欢。

心情非常好。时不时还会有些傻笑，也不管别人的目光了。

人在异地，应当这样吧。

到了中环，一个人走着，其实不清楚自己到底想去哪里，不过我也懒得去想，就懒懒散散地跟着心情走。

看见那个在’幸运超人‘梁朝伟指的那个龟型建筑，喜出望外，像小女生似的拿出相机，连拍了好几张照。

看见前头有渡轮乘搭，也就买了一张前往尖沙嘴的票，上了船，也晕了船。

看见一间卖小吃的路边摊，买了一串烧卖，一串咖喱鱼蛋，一杯芒果西米露，就学周围的本地人一样，站在马路边吃。

看见一家有卖新加坡小吃的Internet cafe，别有一种归属感，进去买了杯咖啡，坐了下来，和一个也是来自异地的游客聊了一会儿天，然后用着电脑，写着这篇东西。

第一次觉得，原来没有方向感，也是件不错的事。

刚喝了最后一口咖啡，是时候结帐了。

下杯咖啡再见。

Soft Spot

2008-01-21T14:02:00.000+08:00

My mom complains that I've not been putting up pretty pictures on my blog. I kindly referred her to Layming's blog, with photo galore and detailed explanations aplenty.

Every time before I call home, I mentally prepare a list of stuff to say to my family. But whenever my mom picks up at the other end, I get speechless and forget everything that was on the list. There're always some lame things which I wanna bitch with my mom. Like how the weather makes my hair damp, how I like the way we could buy food here, how the KFC here tastes as good as that in Singapore, how someone stared at me today when I blurted something in English, or how I successfully ordered food in Cantonese without any weird glares.

Mundane little stuff. But I guess, those are the little stuff that matter.

Despite the resemblance many would draw between Hong Kong and Singapore, I guess there'll always be this sense of uncertainty when someone reaches a foreign place.

I'm still waiting for that opportunity to go out alone, catch the minibus and the train, then find some cosy starbucks where I can hide in, and spend the day there sipping coffee and observing the people as they walk by.

I'm hoping that'll serve as some form of settledness, since I keep feeling like I'm on a vacation.

Meanwhile, life has been good.

3 hrs away from home

2008-01-10T15:49:00.000+08:00

I never expected it to be easy. Leaving home and living somewhere else for 5 months.

Life has been differently pleasant, apart from settling the nitty gritty in order to let things fall into place. Times like this, I'm grateful for friends who ensure that I'm adapting comfortably.

It's bit cooler in HongKong, using 'cool' to avoid getting glared at by other fellow SCI students doing their exchange elsewhere. The temperature's expected to drop in the coming weeks though.

Things around here are similar to Singapore in many ways, that sometimes I forgot I'm in HongKong until the extra breezy wind and the loud Cantonese convos hit me. But right here right now in my cosy little room, talking to friends online, skyping my Mom, I feel as if I'm not far away from home. Afterall, it's just a mere 3 hours, compared to the hometowns of other exchange students whom I've met.

For those who came to send me off that Monday afternoon, to make my leaving away a much more memorable one, thank you very much.

For those who called and sent me their blessings, thank you very much, for putting a smile to my face and for letting me know that I will be missed.

For those who are worried about me, don't worry, I'm fine. And I'll be fine. :)

As for those who can't wait to see me put on weight after eating plates and plates of Dim Sum, don't worry, I won't. Your self-disciplined friend will control herself.

Lastly, a glimpse of my room. Til the next post, take care.

离歌

2008-01-04T00:23:00.000+08:00

寒冷的夜里，我坐在电脑面前发呆。

我是该写些什么的，我对自己说。至少，写几句话来纪念这一刻。

未知数。

兴奋。

害怕。

紧张。

好奇。

一样灯火明亮的大都市，却期待着不一样的脸孔，不一样的语言，不一样的文化。

我会好好的。回来时，我期望看到不一样的自己，我希望成长。

一堆看不懂的字。

句不成句，歌不成歌。

我们东方之珠，再会。

Good Morning TJC

2007-12-28T19:17:00.000+08:00

On a random morning this week, three random graduates from TJC decided to revisit their good old school and reminisce the past.

Except, the experience wasn't that random at all. We decided to go back, wearing our school uniforms.

Dressed back in that unique shade of green and once again observing the school rules of wearing my hair up in a ponytail, it felt great. The nature of time forces us to grow up, to make sure we prepare ourselves for the real world that adulthood brings, and sometimes the kid in us just fades away, without us even noticing. Wearing that uniform somehow gave us the privilege to act like kids again, to laugh and shout and jump with no concerns.

Us three silly beings wandered around the campus. Thanks to the December street camp participants and orientation student counsellors, the school didn't feel deserted at all that day. Typical orientation games were being played on the tracks, small group meetings were being held in the canteen, and mass dance songs were being blasted on the radio. Mass dance songs which tickled us and seduced our limbs to recall the dance steps which we've once known by heart.

I thought we didn't really change much, appearance wise and probably character wise. One thing's for sure, the smiles on our faces were as bright as they were 2 years ago.

It was a fulfilling day, thanks to Jieying, the person who suggested this whole visit back.

We're so gonna do this again, aren't we? Til we can no longer fit into that green uniform.

And until then, goodbye for now, TJC.

Magic

2007-12-27T21:38:00.000+08:00

我需要一位魔术师。

会变魔术的那种。

我要看见鸽子从魔术帽里飞出来。我要七彩花朵从耳缝里变出来。我要一个被劈成两半的人，好好地从魔术箱里走出来，向大家行礼。

总的来说，我要看见奇迹，不管包装成什么样子的奇迹。我需要知道奇迹的存在。

至于魔术后面的假手段与不真实，请收起来。我看多了。

在座的各位，谁懂得变变魔术？

靠你们了。

Waterloo street

2007-12-21T02:36:00.000+08:00

If there’s one place I should visit before leaving town, it’ll be here.

I’ve been wanting to head down there ever since exams ended this semester. Procrastination got the better of me. And so with sheer determination, I dragged myself out of bed Tuesday morning and finally went to the Guanyin temple.

I think I could call the temple a shelter, in a spiritual sense though not so much religiously. I was solaced with the mere fact of standing there. There must something in the air that soothes my nerves, that makes me feel better. I’m guessing everyone else there shares this feeling. And even if it doesn’t help in solving anything, probably all I wanted was just these few moments of tranquillity.

I walked out of the temple after a short ten minutes.

今晚的夜空

2007-12-09T01:19:00.000+08:00

我家中望出去的夜空，是渺小的。被许多建筑物遮住了。可是我从不嫌弃它的美。

或许，夜晚的天空有种奇怪的力量，让人多愁善感。

少了人声，车声，吵杂声，才能听清楚自己的心声。

少了琐碎的事情来忙，才会被迫停下脚步沉思。

不想用电视麻醉自己。不想在网上蹉跎岁月。所以静下心来，好好弄懂不懂的事情。

并非每次都成功找到答案，但至少，我尝试。比起一些选择逃避问题，漠视问题存在的人，我觉得，我勇敢多了。

小时候，曾有过很荒谬的想法，若每个人都在夜晚的时候，不睡觉，黎明就不会来。告知朋友这个想法，他的反应是，“可是还是会天亮啊。”

没错，也许，夜的美，是因为它的短暂。

今晚的夜空，还不赖。

Exchange

2007-11-29T17:05:00.000+08:00

A visa (short for the Latin carta visa, lit. "a document that has been seen") is a document issued by a country giving an individual permission to formally request entrance to the country during a given period of time and for certain purposes (see below for caveats and exceptions) and usually stamped or glued inside of a passport, or sometimes issued as separate pieces of paper.

Wikipedia

Received my visa.

Went for a short trip/holiday/vacation.

Moved out of hall.

I really owe you girl.
Thank you for tolerating my singing. Thank you for understanding my perpetual absence in hall. Thank you for leaving the door unlocked when you know I'd be back late. Thank you for the little post-its you stick on my study desk. Thank you for laughing at my jokes. Thank you for listening to grumble. Thank you for... just being there.
Mindan's friend once said we have the 'roommate face'. *grins. Despite our differences (Me scared of hot, you scared of cold. Me dwelling on to wee hours to study, you being the early bird to wake up and study), I thought we worked out pretty fine, good in fact. :)
I'm still feeling guilty for abandoning you. Gonna miss you lots. Take good care.
The prettiest, kindest, sweetest, BEST roommate in the whole wide world.

不做闲人

2007-11-28T21:54:00.000+08:00

我发觉，人，没有一个特别的人生目的时，是没有时间观念的。

不用急着察看时间。不用赶到什么地方去。不用理会几点起身。

时间？不重要。

悠闲地过着每一天。偶尔到附近逛逛街，有空便往窗外望，看看云，闻闻雨，听听人声。平凡中，带点小喜悦。

不过有时，这种平淡，美丽到，会令人略感不舒服。

因为害怕这种美丽会夺走仍何想要追求梦想的欲望。因为害怕自己太习惯这种美丽，乱了自己的方向。

可是，我很清楚这是个长假，一个迈向更精彩人生的长假。

好好休息。好好观察周围。好好地。。。让自己好好的。

噢，我真的是，不能做闲人。

吃饱没事找事做。

老朋友

2007-11-24T01:32:00.000+08:00

It's really nice being around friends who have known you for a long time.

No need to think about topics to say. No need to bother about what he/she thinks. No need to feel embarrassed about the silence.

Was on the bus home with Maoxian from AHS. We were chatting along when he paused suddenly and looked at the TVMobile screen. Then he broke into a smile and continued talking. He thought TVMobile was about to screen this trailer of a horror show and wanted to warn me against looking at the screen.

Old time friends know things about you. Things that might never change.

To someone whom I've not seen for a very long time. Someone who's my soon-to-be junior when he enters CS next academic year.

Thank you. :)

PS. Stop being EMO!

At times like this...

2007-11-14T20:36:00.000+08:00

If I ever have to name three best things that happened in my life...

My Mother -

For calling me "Di ah...". For waking me up in the morning. For buying me my favourite food. For pretending to laugh at my jokes when she doesnt even understand. For clapping hands every time I sing her a song. For always exclaiming how pretty her daughter is. For catching me when I fall down. For telling everything's gonna be fine. For letting me know no matter what happens she'll be there for me.

For loving me exactly the way I am.

My Best Friend Van -

For saying the same old lame jokes over and over again. For waking up at night and telling me there's no ghost. For always supporting me in whatever I do. For clapping hands and feeling proud of me when I finish my performance on stage. For listening to me cry through the phone. For not knowing what to say and repeat some cliche words of encouragement. For letting me know no matter what, she'll always be there to pick up my calls. For loving a jealous friend when she found her other half.

For friendship. Everlasting.

My First Love - Drama

For the spotlights. For the music. For the curtains. For the emotions. For the applause.

For letting realise how much I love the stage.

At times like this, I've got to remind myself. How fortunate I am. And how stupid I would be, if I were to continue mulling over stuff that may seem insignificant ten years down the road.

At times like this, I remind myself, how loved I am, and how much I love others.

Reassurance

2007-10-23T20:10:00.000+08:00

Sometimes a bit of reassurance is enough to bring a smile to my face, to set things right, to make me feel like everything's ok.

It beats having to get up yourself and pull yourself together.

Then again, it's a skill which I've eventually mastered.

A realist I've become.

Defense

2007-10-11T16:12:00.000+08:00

每个人都有保护自己的一套方法。

我不需要任何人来赞成我的方法。

Loved

2007-10-10T00:40:00.000+08:00

Sometimes a simple gesture can mean a lot.

Thank you.

WKWSCI - Proud of it

2007-09-21T21:16:00.000+08:00

I cant tell you how grateful I am to be in CS.

Love the outfits, the big laughters, the Oh-my-goodnesses, the Macs, the plugs under each chair in the LT, the lifts, the rooftop, the cameras, the avid suites, the benches, the ACRC, the techs (Malaysian Uncle Tan in particular) and not forgetting, the sandwich machine.

And of course, the people. :)

I like the feeling of everyone knowing everybody. It's like you're bound to stop and chit-chat with someone on your way to the toilet.

I remembered the day I got my A level results. My GP tutor came over to talk to us.

GPTutor: "So where you girls plan to go?"
Lang: "Haha... not sure yet. Probably business or FASS."
Jiggly: "FASS perhaps!"
(GPTutor turns to me...)
GPTutor: "Jodi you? Chinese major?"
MAJOR TURNOFF.
Me: "Er... hehe... not sure. But I think I may wanna try Communication Studies at NTU."
GPTutor: (Widens eyes) "Oh! Quite difficult to get in right?"
Me: " Er... yeah. Hehe. I'm erm... going to try."
GPTutor: "Oh... hehe. Try la. Good to try."

Ok so that was a bad experience. Tan Jin Li, you see where my inferiority complex comes from?!

But what matters most, is that I'm here enjoying every minute of being a CS student.

So it's going to be sad when everyone gets separated when some of us fly to different parts of the world to do exchange.

I was asking Joanna that day, "Girl will you miss me when I go for exchange?"

Joanna, shocked at my randomness when I popped this question out of nowhere in lecture, replied, "Argh! Are you kidding? No way!" (Giggles)

Haha. I know you don't mean it. He he he.

And so, I'm going to enjoy the rest of this sem in Singapore, hanging around that blue building, before I fly off to somewhere 3 hrs from home. :)

I'm loving it! Hehe.

憋气

2007-09-12T18:11:00.000+08:00

我好像憋了一口好长好长的气。。。一直没有办法呼吸。

我每天喝咖啡。

我每天赶着拍assignments。

我每天忙着找radio show的歌曲。

我每天在学校留到很迟。

我每天两，三点多才入眠。

可是我的生活。。。

不是盲目的。

是有意义的。

是有满足感的。

是让我自豪的。

尽管很多时候，觉得自己不足。觉得自己不能。觉得自己。。。没用。

但是，我知道，我是心甘情愿。

这样就够了。:)

怕

2007-08-10T17:00:00.000+08:00

我必须承认，我是个很胆小的人。

因为我什么都怕。

我怕黑。

我怕鬼。

我怕辣。

我怕热。

我怕冷。

我怕蟑螂。

我怕考试。

我怕失败。

我怕输。

我更怕自己害怕的时候，不知道该做什么好。

了解我的人都知道，我爱逞强。因为逞强成为了一种害怕时的解决方案。

难过的是，问题不是每一次都解决。

但面对熟悉的脸孔，我完全逞强不起来。

记得中四那年，六月份有筹备演出的drama camp。晚上我们在新建好的课室睡觉。不知道谁开始谣传看见不该看见的东西。身为主席，我毫不犹豫地安慰juniors，说服他们没有那种事情，叫他们安心地去睡觉。

结果。。。

自己却睡不着。脑里想着各种荒谬的事情，开始害怕。我不敢跟任何人说，因为觉得丢脸，觉得自己太没用，觉得自己没有做好榜样给大家看。

我只敢跟最好的朋友说。

我爬到她的床边。大家都已经熟睡，她也是。

我把她摇醒。

我：Van，我很怕。

她：Huh? （睡眼惺忪）怕什么？

我：怕那些东西。。。你不要睡leh，陪我讲话。

她：没有什么东西啦。。。你不要想那么多。（企图继续睡）

我：（继续摇着她）Huh! 可是，我怕！。。。Ok，我睡你旁边ok。我把手放在你的jacket上面，如果我一拉，你一定一定要起来ok?!

她：Ok ok。。。睡啦。

后来我真的睡着了。

而这件事情，好像没有什么人知道。

I'm such a baby。

不过，也幸好有些不介意面对我这个大婴儿的朋友与家人。

还好。

这样一来，我也可以很勇敢地害怕。=)

忙与盲

2007-07-28T12:14:00.000+08:00

I've been busy.

Busy not knowing what's going on in my life.

Searching for answers. In hope that they will come to me before I forget all about finding them again.

School's starting. Or rather, it started.

I dont think I'm ready yet.

But still, I guess I can handle it.

Yup.

心里有树

2007-07-21T00:52:00.000+08:00

检讨会上，播放了整个演出的video。

一直以来，我很讨厌看自己演戏，尤其是录下来的表演。

孬种。

Hum4。

刚开始以为他们播放星期六的演出，我更胆小。不敢进AVT看。和广峰汶洁他们在外面聊天。

后来玉能特地走出来，跟我说，他们播放的，是星期天的表演。

我点了点头，毫无行动。

聊天开始心不在焉。

终于忍不住，一个人走进AVT。

演到我和德伟吵架的那幕。

我一个人坐在一旁看戏。

第一次看见大家在台上的演出。

看到最后一幕，我又哭了。

因为看见弟弟在神台前的软弱。因为看见爸爸在窗前的伤感。

也因为想起了当时的情绪。

好怀念。好想再排戏。

但应该是时候向前走。

应该。

期待。

后记

2007-07-08T23:41:00.000+08:00

这段后记，应该分两篇。

第一篇：失望

第一场演出结束后，我哭了。

并非因为感动，而是因为。。。对自己很失望。

我不甘心。我知道我可以做得更好。

面对着朋友们的眼光，他们送来的花，他们的赞美，我无法接受。I'm not worth it.

回家的路途中，我忍不住停下脚步，在某HDB楼下，整理思绪。后来，打了电话给最要好的朋友。一听见她的声音，我又哭了。

说了很多，心里也好多了。但也辗转难眠。

第二天，起了个大早，决定重新出发。不容易，真的不容易。

因为心有余悸。

第二篇：感动

第二场演出后，我哭了。

可能观音娘娘听见我早上说的话。当我再次踏上同样的舞台，演着同样的戏，我。。。没有辜负自己。

到了最后竟然还无法停止戏中的泪水。幕关后，跑到台侧痛哭，发现爸爸和弟弟也是如此。

这幕后的一幕，好感人。

戏落幕了。

掌声结束了。

星期天傍晚的时间，空着了。

我感谢所有所有我要感谢的人。

混乱

2007-07-03T00:48:00.000+08:00

前几天，好友发来这样的简讯。

好友：Hang on kkiez... 1 more wk and it's over.

就在当时，我忽然发现，maybe I dont want it to be over.

当那个日子越来越靠近，我，越来越混乱。

是紧张。

是担心。

是疲倦。

是害怕。

是麻木。

是厌倦。

是怀念。

是兴奋。

是回味。

是不舍。

昨天早上起来，有个意外的惊喜。那是玟丹传来的简讯。她要我加油，要我不要给自己太大的压力，要我期待着她的归来。

今天下午，有个意外的偶遇。在Somerset MRT碰见Andrew。和他热情地打招呼，还埋怨天天会见到他。

明天。。。?

一个占据我３个月，所有生命的表演即将来临，结束。

掌声结束后，我。。。我们，应该都会各自回到自己的生命。

然后再次见面时，当初那最初的尴尬，应该会重现。

好遗憾，好无奈。

没有办法。

只能珍惜剩下的时间。

或许，这样子，回忆才会显得美丽，扣人。

或许。

Dinner

2007-06-28T21:37:00.000+08:00

A nice peaceful dinner with my best friend.

Have a good rest my friend~

Good night.

彻夜难眠

2007-06-22T11:11:00.000+08:00

这几天晚上，我睡不着。

心里反反复复想着校友剧的情节，每一个表情，每一句台词，每一种感觉。

剧里的姐姐是这样子的吗？

我演到了吗？

我是不是没有做到？

想着想着，就睡不着。

所以，开始害怕睡觉。因为太烦了，太多东西想了，太吃力了。我。。。不够坚强。

家人开始替我担心，最要好的朋友开始为我心疼。

妈曾经问过我，何必折腾自己，让自己如此辛苦？

那时，我毫不犹豫地反对她的说法。

我说，妈你不会懂的，你不是我。

我说，有多少人能像我这样，疯狂地为一个梦做出最疯狂的事情，流下最疯狂的泪水。

是的。想到这一点，一切辛苦的事情变得理所当然，一切想放弃的事情变成一种积极的挑战，一切的伤心变成一种成长的过程。

Audrey问过我，有没有后悔参加这次的翔鹰。我当时不知道怎么回答。我说，过了演出我再回答问题。

不过，我现在好像可以回答了。

我没有后悔。

I'm OK

2007-06-03T13:13:00.000+08:00

A very warm thank you to all those who asked about me.

I guess my previous post was too... erm... yeah.

I'm not good at replying people when they show concern. So I choose not to reply at all.

I'm OK. 真的. Gosh. I sound like David Tao.

Haha.

=)

Back to leaves-making.

Ignored

2007-05-30T00:00:00.000+08:00

Not replying to Msn.

Not replying to sms.

Not giving a damn about things.

Not giving a damn about my feelings.

Sometimes, I feel tired too. I need support from other people. A simple reply, a simple concern. That's enough to keep me going.

I try too much. In a lot of things. I give everything I have. I dont expect the same in return. No, I really dont. But just a little support, concern will help. A LOT.

I'm tired of always being the one to give.

I feel... unloved.

On my way to a new me

2007-05-23T19:35:00.000+08:00

The big TWO is coming. In approximately 4 hrs' time.

My actors and crew prepared a cake for me Sunday night, along with a big board of warm wishes. Upon seeing the two candles on top of that chocolate cake, I realised I'm really gonna be twenty.

I've decided to come up with a list...

MOST TOUCHING presents: (in no order of merit)

1) SPEED vcd with all their MTVs inside -> a gift from my Dad when I was... erm... 10? Cant remember, dont know where it is now either. But I remember how I thought my Dad was really Santa. I swear I never told anyone that I wanted that badly! And then poof! my Dad comes home with this.

2) Waist pouch -> a gift from van when I was... eh... was it sec 2? haha... she knew it was the perfect gift for me, the 'IN' thing to bring on the streets then. She knew I was eyeing those from Montip for quite some time. The most touching part was that it came along with a 3 and 1/2 floppy disk, a powerpoint presentation she made for me. It was so sweet. Thanks best friend~

3) Slingbag -> my brother bought this for me. I can still clearly remember him coming home in his VJC uniform, holding this 77th street plastic bag and saying "Nah4 Jodi." It was the first decent present (i think?) he bought for me. Although my aunt uses it nowadays, hey, it's the thought that counts.

4) Wallet, keychains and whatever -> numerous items compiled as a gift from my Mum. Think it's kind of bad not to mention my Mum in this post. Haha. I love surprises, no wait, I loved surprises, when I was much younger. My Mum isnt exactly the hey-surprise-i-got-you-this kind of person. But she knew I liked being sprung upon and having gifts wrapped up for me. She went shopping at TM for one whole day, bought whatever she could lay her hands on (OP wallet, blah blah blah), wrapped them up and gave them to me.

MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY

My 18th birthday -> definitely. That year, I had 3 birthday cakes. Yup, 3. Not that I'm a cakes kind of person. It's just, very heart warming to know people actually planned for your birthday. I had one cake in class, one with ccc people, and one with my family. I made 3 wishes, 3 different ones, and I guess all of them came true. On that day, I really felt like the happiest girl on earth, probably because I received blessings from so many people.

I'm gonna be one fifth of a century soon. That sounds old. Really old. Haha. At least I'm a happy girl. A contented and simple girl.

I thank everyone I know for twenty years of never-ending miracles and dreams.

Becoming my Mum

2007-05-16T12:48:00.000+08:00

My Mum is a typical woman.

She smiles at the smallest praise. She tears at the slightest thing. She remains ignorant about all world affairs other than our little apartment. She pretends to be brave when you know she actually isnt. She is contented with whatever she has.

Me: Mummy, i think i'd grow up to become someone like you leh.
Mummy: GOOD!
Me: ......
Mummy: What's so bad about being me?

Yeah. What's so bad about becoming my Mum? It isnt bad at all. In fact, the thought of it sends a smile to my face.

Glow

2007-05-11T00:02:00.000+08:00

Maybe I'm not as strong as before. Maybe I'm not as confident as I used to be. Maybe I'm just a lesser person than the younger-me.

Questioning my abilities. Afraid to find out how lousy a person I am. Refusing to acknowledge and choosing to escape.

This is wrong.

I know that.

Maybe I just lost my glow.

Maybe it wasnt there in the first place.

Long time no see

2007-05-06T13:28:00.000+08:00

Long time no see.

The only thing i have to say now is:

I am so screwed.

There.

Adieus.

hmm...

2007-02-04T18:24:00.000+08:00

Been in a daze since school reopened. I dont know what's wrong.

I hardly think nowadays. I just... go through it. Life. No time to think, no energy to think, no interest in it anyway.

Still, life's pretty good. Seriously. I'm contented.

Hellweek ahead. See ya.

2006 going on to 2007

2007-01-03T21:22:00.000+08:00

I guess I should post a new entry to mark the start of 2007. =)

2006 flew by real quickly. Things happened so fast I could barely recall them. It was a year of uncertainty. Uncertain about results, about jobs, about starting university life.

A level results - I am still very grateful, that my results turned out well, that it marked a great end to my JC life.

Jobs - From relief teacher to telemarketer to waitress to talent in a museum, I learnt a lot. There were great experiences, good friends and happy memories.

University - Somehow, I'm still not well suited to university life. Everything is different, new and... I dont know. Dont get me wrong, I love my school, my friends and everything else. I need more time. Not a very adaptable creature.

Holidays - I'm glad I put my holidays to good use. My friends led me to experience new things. There was the Asian Horror Fest Seminar and helping out of FYP for my seniors. It wasnt something I'd usually do. Sign up for seminars or volunteering to help out seniors. The past 'Me's were always busy doing one thing... for drama productions or CCA events. This time, I was given a choice to try out new things. And I'm glad I did so.

A year of new events indeed. There were good things... bad things as well. Decisions made right as well as regrets that will be remembered.

It was also a year of searching. For the true self. Sad to say I've yet to reach a a conclusion, but I hope I accomplished something. =)

I'm sure 2007 will be an enriching year. For me, for you, and you and you and you!

That time of the year

2006-12-26T16:33:00.000+08:00

It's that time of the year. You know... 'that' time.

The rain keeps pouring. Shopping malls packed. Christmas carols, wishlists, new year resolutions... and... the rain continues pouring.

Yup.

It makes me vulnerable... Sometimes ... insignificant.

Everything will be fine... once 'that' time of the year is over.

Yup.

Report

2006-11-25T11:57:00.000+08:00

Statement:

Santa will have a hard time delivering presents in Singapore.

Contributing factors:

First, there are no chimneys in Singapore. Instead, there are densely populated HDB flats and the only way Santa could get in is to go through the rubbish chute.

Second, once Santa's erm 'transport' enters Singapore's sky, it would have activated an alarm and been shot down by our fine soldiers at the Singapore Armed Forces.

Third, Singapore is damn hot. Santa is damn fat. Fats are supposed to protect Santa against the cold. And with the freaking high temperatures we have here, Santa might have to lose weight or even have to come up with a new costume for travelling.

Fourth, there arent a lot of christmas trees in the homes of Singapore. What if Santa arrives and sees no christmas trees or stockings which he could put the presents in? Where should he place it then... on the ironing board? in front of the television? in the wardrobe? Then again... would anyone notice?

Conclusion:

Hence, based on the above factors, Santa would not come to Singapore for Christmas.

-End of report-

Stronger

2006-10-23T13:49:00.000+08:00

I should learn to be stronger. Really.

Seriously.

Stronger.

=)

2006-10-22T21:03:00.000+08:00

a short but happy, heartwarming gathering...

So easy to be...

2006-10-15T23:18:00.000+08:00

happy... =)

Miss Invisible

2006-10-14T18:30:00.000+08:00

The rain drenched me entirely. No now knew.

The lightning blinded me. No one saw.

The slap crushed my cheek bone. No one knew.

The bullet penetrated through my chest. No one saw.

The car rammed against my hip. No one knew.

Precisely because, they cant see me in the first place.

It's just that, though no one saw, doesnt mean that it didnt hurt.

I am Miss Invisible, welcome to my world.

现代睡美人

2006-09-29T21:38:00.000+08:00

从小到大，我都不喜欢睡美人这个Disney公主。

因为不相信有这样的事。明明睡着了，昏迷了，怎么叫都不醒，哪里可能白马王子一亲，就醒来了？

骗人。不，是骗小孩子。不，是连小孩子也骗不了。

如果，我是说如果，现实中真的有这样一个睡美人，哼，她一定很可怜。

想像，这个现代睡美人在睡倒前，有个。。。还算美满的生活。

爸爸原本是富家公子，却因为一次经济危机而破产，沦为做德士司机。因为上德士的预费加到２块半，越来越少人搭德士，因此少了许多乘客。闲暇的时间，他就跑去买toto，希望发个横财。可惜，横财没来，他就已滥睹成性。

妈妈原本以为钓了个有钱公子哥儿，可以过过少奶奶的日子。后来只好做个普通的家庭主妇。她爱唠叨，爱管事，爱看大长金。因为要买大长金的vcd跟老公要钱，要不成，结果吵得天翻地覆，把家里闹得鸡犬不宁。

睡美人从小就体弱多病，什么哮喘病，急性盲肠炎，贫血症，她通通中到完。

她有个在咖啡店泡teh-ni的男朋友，虽说穷，不过还算是蛮疼女朋友的。

有一天睡美人发现自己脑里面有个瘤，瘤还越长越大，终于压住了某些神经线，使她倒下去，昏迷不醒。

家人问医生，睡美人几时才会醒来？

医生说，“这要看病人本身的生命意志力。可能明天就醒来，也可能几天后才醒来，或几年后才醒。也有可能，永远都不醒。”

就这样，睡美人开始变成了睡丑人。因为治疗的过程，她已剃了光头，脸也日渐苍老。

昏迷的前几年，家人还关怀备至，男朋友还天天相陪。

渐渐地，妈妈开始厌倦了到医院为睡美人擦身体，爸爸开始觉得医药费是种经济负担，男友的眼睛开始乱瞄。

他们开始放弃睡美人，开始。。。开始考虑。。。euthanasia。

所以有一天，他们决定让脑死的睡美人离开，决定关掉那个能使她呼吸的机器。

这时，所谓的白马王子，已经和别的女人结了婚，还生了一个儿子。这白马王子，看见“睡丑人”也没有了心跳的感觉。若叫他给她深情的一吻，他宁愿死。

于是，他们就这样，’哒‘的一声，关了机器，结束了这个。。。现代睡美人的生命。

lao peng you

2006-09-13T18:35:00.000+08:00

Saw lang on the way back to hostel today.

Chatted as though we were two crazy women.

Suddenly recovered a side of me which I have not seen for quite long.

Felt damn happy.

Like when you find a popsicle in a desert. Okay, make that a big box of popsicles.

Thankful and delighted.

Thanks girl~

哭

2006-09-01T19:38:00.000+08:00

我想，我已经渐渐失去了哭的权利。

那或许是件好事。

无所谓吧。

Stupidity

2006-08-29T18:04:00.000+08:00

Eh.

I not stupid.

I really not stupid ok...

Dont say I stupid.

Really not stupid lah.

Look what look... I not stupid ok...

I really not stupid.

School

2006-08-11T23:23:00.000+08:00

Yup, school's started for a week already.

It's really different going to university... Everything's so... different. Okay, bad vocabulary here.

The school's so large. There are so many people... You might just meet someone on the bus one day and not meet the person ever again for the rest of your school life. NTU's like a small island itself. You've really got to WALK. And I mean real walking here. Not just the few steps you take when you go downstairs and buy a bottle of soya sauce from the mama shop. I perspire like mad. Me. Perspiring. Mind you, I dont perspire that easily.

There are loads of work to be done. Like hello, it's only my first FREAKING WEEK in this university and you people start bombing us with readings, textbooks, lecture notes, saliva.... Where's my honeymoon period?! And all these are making me question whether or not I made the right decision to choose this course. I mean, people who dont know which school I am from go around asking if I majored in Chinese. That's... saddening. Not that majoring in Chinese is no good, dont get me wrong there. It's just that I feel like a polar bear prancing around the South African desert.

I miss JC... and secondary school. I miss the morning assemblies when everyone got together and sang the national anthem, read the pledge, sang the school song... wait a minute, I dont even know if NTU has a school song.
I miss TJ... that nice shade of green uniform (I INSIST that it is a NICE shade of green)... that unique skirt with 3 folds on the side... that mushroom-like badge... EVERYTHING. I miss EVERYTHING. Even the SPAs... the canteen food... the non air-conditioned classrooms... There are times when I will be walking in NTU and have this urge of shouting, "SAY T!"

I'm serious.

And though I have so much more dissatisfaction to show... Guess what?

It just feels DAMN good walking around in NTU with a student identity.

(-_-'')

2006-08-09T10:31:00.000+08:00

In a bad mood...

In a 做贼心虚 mood...

Urgh.

Beginning

2006-07-29T19:02:00.000+08:00

I've set my priorities. I'm ready...=)

After the rain

2006-07-26T19:25:00.000+08:00

雨后，应该就会天晴吧。。。

远

2006-07-23T01:30:00.000+08:00

原来人与人之间的友情比我想像中的还要弱。。。

现在我知道了，也终于醒了。

我不再傻了。

Waiting

2006-07-20T13:16:00.000+08:00

I guess I like waiting.

You gain trust in the process of waiting. It's the reason why you dont walk away. Trust.

梦

2006-07-19T22:24:00.000+08:00

今天和朋友谈到死后的“人生”，她告诉我一个奇怪的说法。

她说，死后我们都会开始做梦，一个永远醒不了的梦。在一个人死的几秒前，会先判断自己的人生。

如果他觉得自己是个好人，就进入美梦，坏人，恶梦。

我开始回想自己做过哪些美梦。一个也想不起。。。倒想起很多离谱的梦。哦。。。所以在我的人生里，我并非好人或坏人，而是个离谱的人。

昨晚梦见自己陪一个怀孕的朋友去看医生，不是去医院看，而是去TJC。到了那里，找不到做检查的地方，我开始慌，便开始到处找医生。跑着跑着，另一个朋友忽然出现在我旁边，说：“你为什么跑？！怀孕了还这样到处跑！”

梦中我恍然大悟，望着自己的肚子，它忽然膨胀起来。

好离谱啊。难道死后我会一直“活”在这些奇怪的梦里吗？

SCI Freshmen Orientation Camp

2006-07-17T00:05:00.000+08:00

Ok, I have to say, the camp was fun. =)

Despite all the drama about being scared before the camp, it was not bad.

Made tons of friends and did tons of stuff I never thought I would be doing. Come to think of it, 45 bucks was cheap for all the experience I went through.

Most importantly, I found out many parts of myself. Some good ones... many bad ones. But still, I'm better off than those who dont know themselves.

And I really hope to do well in school. Seriously. I guess I love my school, and I hope to be loving it still for the next 4 years.

Oh and I am tanned now. Thanks to outdoor games and water sports. Call me Xiao Hei now. Or Xiao Pi, since skin is peeling off my face every freaking minute. But my aunt says I look better in this shade.

I am such a Daddy's girl. The minute I reached home, I went on rattling about camp stuff to my Dad and Mum. And then I started singing a song. And then I asked why my parents did not clap after I finished. My Dad looked up from his laptop, placed his hands together and started clapping.

So cute.

I'm off~

2006-07-10T18:28:00.000+08:00

Okay, tomorrow's it.

Wish me luck~ I'll see ya...

Slow dance

2006-07-06T18:36:00.000+08:00

In life, you take it slow.

Stop and have a seat. Order a coffee. Take a smoke.

Chat with a stranger. Laugh at jokes.

Take a photo of the cat that passed by. Peep at what the man at the next table is reading.

Day dream of meeting Brad Pitt on the streets.

Listen to your favourite song. Do a little dance.

Blink your eyes. Stroke your hair. Breathe deeply.

And then you continue walking.

And walking.

Proposal

2006-06-29T11:30:00.000+08:00

I've been proposed to twice in my life. Yup, I'm talking about marriage proposals.

The first one happened when I was in Primary 2... no wait, I think it's Primary 1... oh...somewhere around there. The guys in my class were apparently fascinated by the thought of marriage and decided they should propose to some girl in class. And so, this guy called Jeremy (can't believe I remember his name) went to the mama shop opposite our school, slipped a twenty-cents coin into the vending machine and bought a fake jewel ring. He then gave it to me and asked me to marry him. I forgot how I responded though. I guess I was excited to be proposed to. But five minutes later I think this Jeremy guy asked another girl in my class to marry him too. Jerk. Haha.

The second one happened yesterday when I was working at Sentosa. There were huge groups of Japanese school students visiting the museum. The girls were dressed in those kawaii uniforms and the guys in those shagged outfits which dont even resemble a uniform. Then there came this bunch of teen Japanese boys around 16 or so. They were apparently in a very HIGH mood cause they were jumping and exclaiming around. This guy then attempted to ask me to marry him in very bad English. "I want you marry me!" He said. Young boys.

Well so far my marriage proposals are stupid. Haha. And I'm just being lame.

NTU medical checkup

2006-06-20T21:58:00.000+08:00

Went NTU to do medical checkup yesterday. I did a urine test for the first time in my life.

So eew. I feel eew even when I type "urine test".... Eew.

Felt a bit lost while waiting for my turn to see the doctor. Everyone seemed to be happily chatting with their friends. So they have a huge group of friends going the same faculty... MY faculty. Good for them. Sobx. Which means I will be an invisible freak with no friends in school cause everyone has their clique. I will go to lectures alone... eat lunch alone... study alone... do projects alone and sit alone during tutorials... great. My perfect life.

Looking forward to next week. Stopping my waitress job. Wanna give myself a slack period before I head back to schooling.

yeah~

2006-06-16T09:54:00.000+08:00

I woke up at seven today, bathed, changed, brushed my teeth and prepared to go to work at sentosa.

And then I found out I did not have work today.

I was already on my way to the mrt.

So I walked back, changed, brushed my teeth and went back to sleep.

I am a happy girl.

On a random note, I finished filling up those forms NTU sent. Suddenly realised that I am really going to university... really going to live in a hostel... really going to study the course of my choice. Like.. Wow.

Simplicity

2006-06-09T22:04:00.000+08:00

I realised I am a simple person, with simple needs.

I will be happy...

...when it is raining while I am sleeping.

...when I wake up knowing I dont have anything particular to do that day.

...when my father says he will give me a lift to the mrt station.

...when I eat cup noodles and watch a rented VCD.

Life can be so simple, and I like it that way.

Ambiguity

2006-06-01T19:42:00.000+08:00

I guess I'm fine with ambiguity.

I am not that kind of person who will be troubled if I cant find the answer to a certain maths problem. Nor am I the kind of person who will die if I cant remember the title of a song.

I'm just... okay with the fact that not all answers need to be found.

Why must all answers be found? For what? Like who knows why one plus one equals to two, or why a turtle is called a turtle and not a goose? okay I'm not speaking sense.

And that's why my life is so... well... aimless now.

But guess what... I was offered a chance to make a difference. Something which I might still remember 10 years down the road. I should take the challenge right?!

Wait a minute. Something's holding me back. Urgh.

I dont know.

You are beautiful

2006-05-23T22:31:00.000+08:00

First time in my life today, someone looked at me in the eye and told me I was beautiful.

Nope, it was not some romantic cute guy.

It was a girl whom I met while working in the museum today. She was from Vietnam.

I was doing my usual stuff, playing the role of a Peranakan lady introducing the tourists to weddings and festivals in Singapore. I was dressed in my usual Peranakan outfit - a Kebaya. There was this big group of tourists from India and I was busy showing them the way. After guiding them, I turned around to find her a few steps away from me.

She was decently dressed and had this comfortable smile on her face. As usual, I greeted her with a "Selamat Datang! Ah, where are you from". The grin on her face grew wider as she approached me and told me she was from Vietnam.

Before I could greet her in the Vietnam way, she excitedly continued saying,"I was looking for someone to help me take a picture with you... cause I think you are very beautiful!"

It felt so sincere. Not like one of those on-the-surface "You are beautiful"... it felt great. It made me believe what she was saying.

Well maybe she was refering to my outfit (It's really very nice and pretty), but still, she made my day.

Thank you, to whoever you are.

Random

2006-05-14T22:02:00.000+08:00

I find it hard to blog sometimes.

There are things which I wanna shout out loud, especially to some people whom I think deserve it.

But then again, I dont want them to know or hear those hateful things.

And so after writing an entry, I delete the whole thing and just write some rubbish. Superficial stuff.

So actually blogging for me is completely wrong.

Ok talk about some happy stuff.

Went to sing kbox with mx, van and cm. Ended like twelve midnight. Spent about 30 bucks. Crazy.

We had such a hard time deciding whether or not to sing. I mean, money is not so easy to come by you see. And so we did some silly stuff. I laughed so hard my lungs hurt. Eh? Or was it my stomach.

Walked in the city to find the nightrider bus at twelve plus or one am. Four morons wanting to go home but we cant seem to find the correct bus stop. And yup, we WONT take cab. Nah-uh, not after spending money on kbox. We will walk home if we need to.

Reached home at about two. Tired like hell. Contacts almost dried up i think. Since I was out since eight in the morning. Slept straight after bathing. Who cares if hair not dry.

Long time since this kind of crazy thing happened. I guess I'm not that old afterall.

Voting Day

2006-05-06T21:35:00.000+08:00

Today is voting day. My whole family went to the polling station to vote. I went too, except that I stood outside like a moron holding my aunt's bag filled with handphones and wallets.

But it was so COOL. Yup. First time in my life have I seen the streets of Simei so filled with people. People from all walks of life came. Mothers, fathers, grandfathers, grandmothers, working people, young people, little kids, babies. Basically everyone.

And it felt good... just to see everyone doing the same thing.

Then I went to have brunch with my family at, yup you've guessed it, EASTPOINT. My mum said that it was the first time she saw eastpoint so crowded, probably due to the polling stations being so near. We ate DimSum (Yeah!) and walked for a while before going home.

Oh I watched Parent Trap on tv just now. So cool. I remember watching it for a million times when I was younger. And it's still so nice.

Tired Day

2006-04-29T09:54:00.000+08:00

I've had an exhausting day yesterday. It was travelling and travelling from places to places.

First, it was the trip to NTU. Fortunately for me, whose interview and test meet with mx's, I was able to hitch a ride from his dad to NTU. So trust me, yesterday could have been more exhausting.

And then I had to travel from Boon Lay MRT to HarbourFront MRT, and then go on the Sentosa free shuttle bus, and then clock in for my job, and then travel again to the Images of Singapore via the blue line. The freaking hot weather made my mood worse.

By the time I got changed and started work, I was half dead. And it so happens that there were many visitors then. So it was a lot of "Selamat Datang" and "Selamat Jalan" and posing for pictures.

When it reached seven and I clocked out, I was completely dead. And then, I travelled back to Sentosa main stop via the blue line AGAIN, and take the free shuttle bus back to HarbourFront MRT AGAIN.

Still not going back to sleep folks, meeting friends at bugis for dinner. So I travelled from HarbourFront to Outram, and then from Outram to Bugis. I was a walking dummy by then.

Fortunately some food managed to wake me up a little, and then we went for a movie. More food as I bought a hot dog to munch.

It was around eleven when we finally boarded the mrt to go home from Bugis. The trip back seemed fast and before i knew it, I was at Simei.

Oh god. Please. No more of this kind of travelling.

Shy person

2006-04-24T21:31:00.000+08:00

I'm a shy person. No, really, I really am a shy person.

I knew that all along. It's just that it became more obvious after i graduated from school. I guess I take after my Dad. We're really quite similiar in many ways, and we're both Geminis.

I mean shy as in not really shy, but a I-dont-really-wanna-talk kind of shy.

There are times when I hate meeting hi-bye friends on buses or on mrts. It's like you HAVE to say hello, but then you just cant quite think of what to say next. So if possible, I would just pretend I'm just sleeping or something.

However some of my friends would NEVER associate me with the word SHY. Well sometimes I really am the opposite of shy, or rather, more than the opposite of shy.

I am not making sense here.

Oh well, who needs to make sense in their own blog.

The Struggle

2006-04-19T22:28:00.000+08:00

I received it today.

But somehow I dont feel as excited as I thought I would.

Is it me?

Argh.

My Likes

2006-04-16T15:59:00.000+08:00

Feeling kinda happy now though the weather outside is bad.

So, I've decided to draw up a list of my favourite things/people... Here goes...

* My Dad, Mum, Ah Yi, and Kor.
* My best buddies (Dont wanna say names...)
* Tony Leung
* My Pao Pao (Cant live without him, yes, i repeat, HIM)
* Drama
* Music
* My new NOKIA phone (I just LOVE the flower patterns)
* Dim Sum
* Mee Hoon Kuey
* Chipsmore! (Oreos and Chipsahoy go away!)
* My lappy~~
* My clutch (I only have one so if you see me holding one, that's it!)
* My Mickey Mouse cosmetics pouch
* My round, silver earrings (They look great, and they suit almost every occasion)

There! That's enough, enough for me. =)

He's the Boss

2006-04-12T22:10:00.000+08:00

Being called to see your boss is just like being called to see the Principal in school, or being called to see your form teacher and get your results slip. It just sucks.

First, you get the shock of your life when your colleague calls out to you and tells you that the boss wants to see YOU. Yup, YOU.

Then you start looking around and see if any of your colleagues get called too.

Okay, no.

And then you start panicking.

You start going through the things you have been doing that day and try searching for any mistakes which your boss MAY have witnessed.

Then you decide that you should not keep your boss waiting. So you proceed to his office.

Be it good or bad, you just have to FACE IT.

坐地铁的感觉

2006-04-08T18:46:00.000+08:00

在地铁上好不容易找到位子，却发现旁边的人在打瞌睡，头歪啊歪的。这是我常碰到的情况。

我起初很讨厌这种感觉。坐又不能好好坐，要时时刻刻注意旁边人的举动。总之，就是很不自在。所以只要旁边人的头一歪过来，我就会假装从包包里拿东西，而且还把动作夸大，希望能“弄醒”旁边人，让他醒来后赶紧把头挪开，再让他觉得尴尬。

不久后，觉得自己很bad。

也许是良心发现。

做人有时真的很累，累到坐地铁也会睡着。借借肩膀给素昧平生的人不仅是举手之劳，也是一种温暖，一种繁忙社会中人与人之间的安慰。

所以，我开始把肩膀借出去。不管对方是否发现，至少我们做了一个车程的朋友。

虽然自己很少在地铁上打瞌睡，但说不定有一天也需要借借旁边人的肩膀。

Useless

2006-04-05T22:54:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling so useless.

Urgh. Dont come near me.

Ps: STOP tugging my sleeve.